A Family Affair - Extra time!

A bonus Faith Hope and Sport Extra Time episode reflecting on the interview we have just heard with cricketer Matthew Foster, and his Mum, Rebecca.

Produced by Commission Christian Radio

Transcript

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Faith, hope, and sport, extra time. In extra time, we look at an issue that's been raised in the conversation I've just had with my guest or guests. Rather like a football cup game. If it's not finished by the end of 90 minutes, into extra time. In my conversation with Matthew and Rebecca, there are a lot of indications of sport having a healthy place in their family life. There was mutual respect between them, a willingness to see things from the other's point of view, and especially on Rebecca's behalf, to make sacrifices to allow Matthew's sporting career to flourish. Is it always like this? Does sport always lead to a richer family life? Well, I guess you already know the answer. No it doesn't. So let's think about this a wee bit more. I reckon there can be three ways in which a parent can respond to their child's sporting activities. The first can be good or bad, the second is good, and the third is bad. The first I call passive acceptance. At first this might sound negative, and to be honest, at one end of the scale it is. A child might come home from primary school bouncing with happiness, clutching a wee sports day medal, and she says Daddy, Daddy, I want a race. And all her dad can say is yeah, or now get upstairs and do your homework. Or give over, can't you say I'm watching the TV? And the poor wee soul's face falls, and she wanders off, hoping that her mum might just be more interested. At the other end of the scale is something more positive. This is where mum or dad makes sure the kid has his rugby kit with him before he goes to school. Dad takes him and his friend to the match on Saturday morning, and is organized with the other dad to bring the boys home. Mum and Dad almost never go to watch a match, but they listen to the tale of the game with a smile, share the lad's joy after a win, and agree that referees really can be awful, well, at least sometimes. Mum may have no interest in sport at all, and sees another filthy kit come in for washing, but she shrugs and knows that well, that's family life. Dad may be a big Manchester United supporter, and even go to the odd match across the water and take his son. But rugby just doesn't do it for him. Yet, if the wee lad enjoys it, bless him. He'll do all that he can to help him along. The best end of passive acceptance was how my parents treated me, and that was perfectly fine. I'll always be grateful for the space they gave me to enjoy sport, and for how they put wise limits on my enthusiasm. The second level of parents getting involved with their children's sport is active encouragement, and it's not hard to see how this develops from the top end of passive acceptance. Active encouragement involves consciously taking steps to get a child involved in sport, and doing what the parent can to make sure that the child enjoys it as much as she can. So mum might take her son to swimming lessons, dad might take him to play tennis on a Saturday afternoon, and have a wee word with the coach to see if the lad has some potential. Mum might take her daughter to gymnastics and happily become part of the parental safeguarding team. And later Dad might take the girl to the local rugby club, give her a big hug when she doesn't make the team, and offer to go cycling with her to help her get a bit fitter and stronger. Active encouragement says a lot about the relationship between parents and children. Parents are taking up their responsibility to actively nurture the child's development, but are also drawing wise boundaries. Active encouragement might have to set limits to sporting activity so that schoolwork isn't neglected, and may well have to help the child understand the necessity of spiritual growth and discipline. Active encouragement guides the really talented child through the minefield of elite sport, but equally, the actively encouraging dad accepts that his talented son is happy playing park level football, and actually prefers playing the oboe or chess. It's not hard to see how active encouragement can drift over into toxic enthusiasm. Now it's not for me to say whether parents such as Auntie Murray's mum Judy or Tiger Wood's dad Earl crossed a line and pushed their sons too hard or not. Were they at the top end of active encouragement? Or were they toxically enthusiastic? From what I've seen, I don't think they did cross over, to be honest, but genuinely I don't know. On the other hand, the fathers of tennis players Andrea Gassi and Steffi Graf, and the father of the runner Jacob Ingebritsen most certainly did. It's one thing to encourage a child to play better, maybe to point out a weakness, or to organize family meals so that a well balanced diet is maintained. But it's quite another thing to push so hard that all the joys drained out of sport and maybe even drained out of life in general for the child. It's well known that parents can try to live out their own dreams through their children. When they try to do this, toxic enthusiasm isn't far away. They take out their own frustration with their failure by pushing the child harder and harder to achieve what they never could. Even when the child does achieve great heights, their relationship with their parent can have suffered irreparable damage. And that's tragic. Another form of toxic enthusiasm is when a parent sets such a high standard that the child gives up on sport. The youngster just can't satisfy mum's demands, retreats into herself, and gives up. I remember taking my elder daughter to play in the final of a local Badminton tournament. She was up against a girl whom she had played a few times before and they were evenly matched. During the first set I noticed that my daughter wasn't herself. She wasn't stretching in the way that she normally did, and making shots she normally would have made. At the end of the set, I asked her what was wrong. And she said Dad, did you see her mum before the game? I knew what my daughter meant, because I had indeed seen her opponent's mum shouting at her as she warmed up. I said I had seen it, and she replied Dad, she needs it more than I do. There was toxic enthusiasm, and my teenage daughter saw it for what it was, and responded with generous grace. Boy was I proud of her. So how should parents shepherd their children through sport? And how should young people think about how their love of sport affects their family and the rest of their lives? The short answer, of course, is with Christ like wisdom. Jesus had a wonderfully balanced perspective on life when he scolded the religious leaders who condemned his disciples for plucking a few ears of corn of the Sabbath. You can almost hear him saying catch a grip of yourselves. There's more to life than keeping rules, and it's this idea of there's more to life than that can help us give sport its rightful place. Hopefully, as we go on with these podcasts, we'll be able to develop a deeper understanding of sport, and its proper place in our lives and in our families. Hopefully, as we go on with these podcasts, we'll be able to develop a deeper understanding of sport and its proper place in our lives and in our families.